I Am Positively Negative

I am positively negative at times and the gods know I have had enough reason to be so in the last year. It was, without a doubt, the worse year of my life. It was also the beginning of a new life as well. Life can begin at 62 or any age for that matter.
I never do anything the kind and gentle way. I blast through life or I sleep through it.There isn't anything in between those two extremes for me. I think I need the blast to wake me up and propel me forward. I am inherently lazy so I need to be blasted forward. I can easily turn into a veggie.
I don't even want to speculate upon what the coming year will bring. I don't dare too. That has been a consistently iffy thing for me over the years. I have learned to look forward to nothing in the coming year. If I don't place expectations then I don't suffer disappointment as much either.
The only plans I have are to keep on keeping on with one foot in front of the other until I get there.(where ever there is)
It must mean something that I've started blogging again. I haven't done that for months. Anyone that knows me well knows that I withdraw for long spans of time and don't take it personally. Maybe that's why so few people do know me well. I think I make it too much like work.
Okay, enough said for now. Happy New Year.

Maybe Not Too

Recently I posted an entry that suggested that perhaps a certain person was my friend for the last 25 years and I just hadn't noticed. I've given that some reconsideration. The only time she calls is when she wants someone to entertain her or go somewhere with her. The enthusiasm wore off quickly on her part and I must say, it did on mine too. She and I have some things in common but not enough to be too enthralled with each other. I think it is mutual.
In all my reconsiderations I'll decided once again that I am not cut out to be any ones friend. Maybe I don't know what the term friend encompasses....I will leave it at we still are speaking to each other now and then and if either one of us needs something in an emergency we can rely on each other.(at least I think that is true).
I can't get over the feeling of being a broken item, something that isn't quite usable but still recognizable as the item it is. I mean, I look like a normal person most of the time but that is as far as it goes. It has always been that way too, even when I was a child. It's sad to think of all the years that have passed and I have not changed in some ways that perhaps I should have. Eh, I don't know what I am talking about.

Alive and......

I am still alive and kicking....well....maybe not kicking. Maybe just twitching. Some days twitching is as good as it gets.
My life has such odd twists and turns. I've never been much of a social butterfly but I find I am getting more sociable. I don't know if I am willing or not, but that doesn't seem to matter. There are people in my life now that were not there before. I find that when I don't see them, I miss them. This has to mean something, does it not?
I've often been told that you don't get what you want, but you always get what you need. I'm not sold on that idea yet. I've only had a bit more than sixty years to ponder it. I wouldn't want to make any snap judgements on the subject.
I still maintain I am not fit to be any ones friend. I have grown so accustomed to being solitary that I find the company of others difficult. It leaves me tired. I have recently moved next door to a, for lack of a better word, friend of 24 years or more. She and I met at a nut bin. We were both working in the state hospital. I worked second shift and she was my relief on the third shift. Through many twists and turns, we became friends. Maybe she is my one true friend and it has taken me all these years to figure it out. I can not speak to her for a couple of years at a time, but when I run into her, it's just like we saw each other only a week ago. There is no resentment on the part of either of us for the absence. We simply pick up where we left off. I think she is a lot like I am in many ways. I think that the main difference is she likes more contact with people than I do. She is quite outgoing and sociable, at least on a superficial level. She is quite particular who her actual friends are. She does not tolerate idiots any more than I do.
When I speak of idiots, I am referring to the people that do stupid things and say stupid things that are bright enough to know better. Maybe I should refer to them as clowns or better yet, my daughters term, tool.
The last place I lived, in the penthouse, was full of clowns and tools and drunks and druggies, etc.
Where I am living now seems to just have ordinary people that aren't out to be the biggest asses on the planet. It's pretty nice here if I do say so. It is not perfect, but what is?
Now I am settling in again, I am starting to cycle through some things that I had to put aside temporarily. These are of course to do with the last 25 years or so of my life, maybe more. I am trying to set aside the abiding hatred I have for Geoff. I only wish to put it aside as it is a burden for me and it in some ways gives him power over me, or at least a piece of my head space. Even that thought causes new resentment.
I tried working these things out in therapy but it just wouldn't shake loose. I think I had too much other stuff getting in the way. I don't know where I will go from here. My life is, time wise, on the down side. I am a senior, not a middle aged person. I am not adjusting well to it either. Not that I mind being older, I don't. Mostly I keep looking at myself and saying, "why are you hanging out with people half your age?" I know the answer....most of the ones my age are old, boring and more than half dead or at least terminally dull witted. Somehow, my 30 something head space got caught up in a 62 year old body.
Who ever said that there is less confusion as you grow older? Who thinks that angst is only for teens? Who said that past 60 was the golden years? BULLSHIT is all I have to say to that.
I'm looking forward to seeing my younger set of friends in November. I missed seeing them this month.
Ah, yes, Halloween..Samhain or whatever else it's called is coming up. I'm not thinking I will be celebrating it much this year. I just don't have the energy to do it. We used to go all out with it. Decorate the whole house. Maybe sometime again...

Been a Long Time Gone

Being gone applies to more than one aspect of my life. There are a lot of ways to be gone and I think I have been most of them.
I lost a large chunk of myself during a 25 year span. It was subtle. I didn't notice myself becoming the hole in the doughnut, but it happened. I gave up my whole life for another human being. Hindsight has proven to me that that is a terrible mistake.
I have once again moved on in a better direction. I have moved out of my fabulous penthouse (third floor walk up in the ghetto). I now live in a townhouse directly in the middle of the city that I chose to make my home more than 30 years ago. Life is going full circle for me and I now see opportunities forming before me.
Life is not easily regained at age 62 but I am trying to fly again.

Different Day......

It's been quite awhile since I posted. My habit is to not talk when I don't have anything to say. Strange this!
Now I am no longer in survival mode, I find that I want to survive more than ever. How does that work anyway?
My life has gotten costly...because I retired onto SS my SSI was cancelled and so was my Medicaid. My rent and utilities cost me more than 50 Percent of my income. Now I no longer have the medical insurance, I can't afford the specialists I was seeing....I don't see that as a bad thing actually. Each doctor seemed to find something that they couldn't deal with and find yet another specialist to send me too. All that stops very fast when the insurance and cash is gone.
It is my fervent hope that our president will keep on his path to health care reform. I can testify first hand about the flaws we now labor under.
Not much else has changed. I still live in the walk up penthouse apartment in Gods little acre. I have new neighbors across the hall from me. I think they are exercise enthusiasts as they run up and down three flights of stairs 4 or 6 times a day. I get a nose bleed just thinking about that.
The other night, I was just settling down for some sleep around 10:30 or so and some of the first floor folkin arrive home. They appear to be drunk and they are yelling and screaming at each other. This is a mother and daughter that each have their own apartments side by side. I open the window and say loud enough to be heard over the din. "You don't have to yell down there. I'm trying to get to sleep up here." The reply was, "I do to have to yell, this is family business. Mind you own business". Nice huh? "It is my business. I pay rent to live here too. If you don't stop yelling, I will call the police." There was a bunch of cussing, etc from the chick with the big mouth. She said I should go ahead and call the police but I noticed that the fight stopped. The mother went to bed. What part of family business dictates yelling your ass off in a parking lot? I must not understand the difference between public and private I guess.
I would like to say it was peaceful after that, but a bunch of people were still outside in the parking lot and by this time, a stray dog had arrived and was barking it's ass off at them. They were trying to catch it. Someone called the police to come get the dog. By the time all was said and done, it was midnight and the police were making more noise than my neighbors...Who do you call when the police need to quiet down? The officers were young and proceeded to flirt with the most unattractive women around. Just gross.
There may be a ray of hope or not. We have been interviewed for an apartment in a much nicer location, subsidized so life won't be quite so harsh. Even better, if we get the apartment it is right across from the police. Ummm, there must be some there over 20 years old that do their jobs appropriately.
Now I play the waiting game to find out about the move. If it happens it does and if it doesn't, sooner or later something will break my way.
I am starting to wonder if there are any other people over 60 that are still alive and enjoying life. All I've seen are ready for the bone yard. I have my health issues but I am not ready to belly up yet.
I haven't had any friends for many years. I don't want to discuss the reasons here. The main reason is no longer in my life and that is good enough. Anyway, I was thinking about friends and having friends and I came to the conclusion that I am not fit to have friends. I know that sounds a bit harsh or like I am putting myself down, but that isn't it. First, very few people my age have interests similar to mine. I am a bit odd and so are the things that interest my. Secondly, I do not have the desire to take care of yet another person in my life. I spent my entire working career taking care of others. I do not wish to spend my senior days babysitting as well. So, you see, it is much a matter of my attitude that keeps me unfit for friends. I am unwilling to put out the effort. If anyone knows of a way to have hassle free friendships, please write a book and send me a copy.
I really have no clue what I have written here today. I'll reread it sometime and maybe get some inspiration for another post.

Life at the Top

I have the eagles nest for a perch, balcony and all. Life at the top is...how can I describe it? Ah, I'll just say it's rather unique. It's a superb spot for observing life without having to get involved with it in any meaningful manner. It is ideal for the Hermit.
What is a day like living in such a lofty manner you may wonder? Let's see, some mornings there is vomit on the doorstep. Most days there is trash in the stairwell. It may even be the non animated variety. That is during the day on the weekdays. The weekends are a lot different...well, maybe not a lot, there are simply more people around. This is a large building with lots of apartments. It's impossible to say how many people actually live here as everyone that rents here seems to feel the civic obligation or running their very own flop house. Generous of them!
Nights here are the best...just the best of the best. I may be the only person here that doesn't drink or smoke or have wild parties. Some of these people actually work. I would hate to be depending on them to do a good days work.
On quiet evenings all I have to contend with are my downstairs neighbors on their balcony chain smoking cigarettes and bitching about the complaint dejour. It's like having someone smoking in your bedroom if you leave the window open for air. I am convinced that this is how everyone here becomes acquainted. They simply leave their windows open and listen. For some reason unknown to me the folkin her seem to think that if they can't see you, that you can't hear them....isn't that a child's concept? It could be worse. They both work and don't do any heavy drinking or partying. Those are the good neighbors.
Where was I? Oh, yes, a bright spot. One that holds great potential. The huge lawn out back is the stomping grounds for a small skunk. I think it's a female and young by the looks. She has a lot of white on her. She's cute. She keeps the company of one of the multitude of cats that live here. She hangs out with a money cat from the first floor. I've seen them strolling around out there together. I call the skunk Little Cat. I think it's only a matter of time before Little Cat gives some of my neighbors a blast of perfume..sweet dreams are made of this. I relish the thought of a skunk at a lawn party.
Party? Ohhhhhh. Weekends are made for Michelob and apparently anything else with alcohol in it. Sometimes I suspect that even antifreeze if fair game here. The parties are generally on Saturday nights and depending on who is hosting it, it can last until 4 or 5 am. Sunday around noontime, the party people start dragging out bags of bottles and tossing them into the dumpster. It's like some demented Anvil Chorus.
I think weeknights are somewhat less rowdy. Well, maybe not. Last night someone was outside my window in the parking lot going, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! JESUS,SHIT, FUCK!" This was at 1:30 am. I had been sleeping but no one could sleep through that racket. When I looked out the window there was a women sitting on the tar with her pocketbook contents on the ground around here and one of her shoes off on it's own. Her two friends were trying to get her up. She could barely stand she was so drunk. It was like something from out of a bad movie. As per the custom here, I yelled out the window at them, "TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP HERE! DO YOU MIND?" I was nice enough to leave out the swearing and cussing that is considered conversation here. They all yelled, "SORRY!" and staggered on inside. That was last night. Earlier this week I was awakened by some of the same crown at about the same time, with loud wales, "OHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" This went of four or five times. Needless to say I was awake by then. I yelled out the window, "KNOCK IT OFF!!!!" She was wailing loudly about her friggin' cars gas tank. The strap on the gas tank had broken or something. Anyway, it was worth waking everyone up to share her grief over this?! These things are only a small sample to life's daily occurrences here. No one ever has a problem that starts before the witching hour or a party that ends before they all pass out.
This is only the tales of building 92. I think there are at least four other buildings this size here and I know for a fact that each one plays out their own dramas. In the building across from 92 some women threw her boyfriends stuff out in the parking lot and spray painted it red... Nice people here. They have a lot of class too.
As a parting thought I wanted to mention there are about a million children in this building. It is how people fortify their income. It's common practice to have children for food stamps and welfare handouts, but I digress. The children are okay for the most part. Some of them have potty mouth but how could it be any other way? My point is, it's quiet here until after the children have been fed supper. At this point, they are all sent outdoors and the screaming starts. I mean that literally, screaming. It make me wonder what the poor little tykes have been fed. If I look out the window I expect to see them rolling around on the ground holding their stomachs. This goes on every night that it isn't raining out. What happens when it rains? Do the children not get fed on those nights or do the walls keep the silence? Knotty questions, these!
If you even wondered what life at the top is like..stay tuned in.

Choose A Side of the Door You Like

Last night my neighbors seemed to have a problem choosing a side that they liked. They were in and out 4 or 5 times. That is inconsequential but it did bring me to the thought that maybe that is what governs our lives. Maybe we get to choose the side of the door we want to be on but we don't get a preview so we don't know what is behind the door. It could be the door that takes us to freedom or the door that takes us to jail or to fabulous wealth. The other choice is to stay where we are. I picture it as a sterile white room with no visible features except a straight back white chair in the middle. It is boring but it is warm and safe and food arrives when it should.
Could be Soylent Green for all I know but it's food and I didn't have to work for it.
Not a pretty picture but sometimes I wonder, I just wonder how much of reality is real. Then I have a stroke of genius and realize that reality is only what I believe it to be. I try not to believe it is anything but a dream and that I will wake up sitting on a Downy bed with golden coverlet and pillow bolsters and that I am only 30 and fit as a fiddle and the last 25 years of my life never happened. How long do dreams last anyway?
My mind is rattling around inside my head like a dried pea. It feels as if my brain has shrunk up and dried out, pulled through a knot hole backwards so to speak.
I live in a castle in the clouds now. The whole world stretches before me as I gaze off my third floor balcony. This is a terrific place to listen to the neighbors fight it out. Well....anyplace from here to a half mile away can hear that. It's like the nightly entertainment. Which neighbor will fight with their wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend? It may happen in broad daylight or at 3 in the morning but it will be loud, abusive and long enough to make you utter a few choice words to them both yourself.
I've never understood people that like to air all their troubles for the rest of the world. Maybe I should just do what the other people here do and just stand outside where I can see and hear better. Today 4 people hurried over to a picnic table to get a ringside seat. I swear I saw someone with a box of popcorn. It could have been a coincidence I suppose.
Never a dull moment here. It's too bad people can't just enjoy what they have instead of ripping everything apart and scattering the entrails.

Survivalist Extraordinaire

I have by told by someone who is supposed to be in the know that I have been in survival mode for the last 7 months of my existence. What's next? Am I done trying to survive?
When asked if I was suicidal I laughed and said, "why bother, time will take care of that on it's own".
It's a confusing place inside of my head. I am just glad that I am not inside of yours now instead. I do have some sort of a vague map for mine, 'though it is subject to change without notice and I can very well find myself totally lost behind enemy lines.
The boxes in the corners of my mind are screaming and the tops are bouncing up and down. It may be time to check out the contents. I have to wonder if my storage of things like that is the best idea. There are lots of boxes stacked up in my head. Some of them have been there so long the labels are faded completely away. I wonder, will the box fade away too?
I am the survivor extraordinaire. I am the great I am!

Soggy

My brain has turned to mush. It isn't working right or maybe it is. I find myself trying to get to sleep at night worrying about what I should be worrying about. Needless to say, it isn't working too well.
I am still hanging in for the long dash for the light at the end of the tunnel. Well....at least I think there is one. Isn't there? A light I mean or a tunnel? Garrrk!
The only brain storms I am having are central core meltdowns. One of these days my neighbors will awaken to a great mushroom cloud over our apartment building, or at least where it used to be. It will be a black smoking hole in the ground.
Too many video games? Not enough? SHHHHHHHABOOOOOOM!!!!! Stop drop and roll? Oh, no, duck under your desk and cover your head with your arms.

Lon Chaney Wrist Rockets

Somehow that managed to get to be a topic of conversation last night at our monthly pagan discussion group. Lon Chaney wrist rockets are as much fun as sock puppets to my way of thinking. I'm not sure, would that wrist rocket launch werewolves or simply fuzzy steel shot?
That's the fun of that group, never knowing where the conversation will go or who will lead it there. Also, we never know who will show up for the group.
I would like to see it grow, but since we hold it at Borders, I'm pretty sure they would like us to dry up and blow away. I usually sit so I can watch the people around me and I see the looks we get...wonder if they would like it if I stood and stared at them when they were having a conversation or trying to read? Note to self, must try that some time soon!

Forward March

The Hermit has made it to the mountain top to meditate, finally! Now life can go on it's forward march with or without me. If I choose I can look down from the lofty 3rd floor perch of my deck and see what the rest of the world is doing.
The real work of my life can begin at last.

One Day Closer

I only have four more days of living where I am . On Thursday we sign a lease. I've arranged for the utilities to be hooked up and for a bed to be delivered on Friday.
It's hard to believe we/I am moving on.
I hope to not loose the internet connection but it may not be possible to get it hooked up when we move...Ah, well, there is always Borders, LOL

Blown Away

I am totally blown away by a website that I found. It is a pagan spot and it is marvelous. I have never seen such friendly and nonjudgmental people anywhere. It's also a huge place boasting more than 18,000 members. There are forums, chat rooms and blogs. All great.
Some blog spots and chat places leave you wondering if anyone even noticed you are alive. This one starts from the get go letting you know you do matter and that you are welcome.
All I have to say is WOW.
What? You want to know where this place is? Maybe I'll share that at some future posting. Grins

One More Week

It's coming right down to the line. One more week and I will be living in my own place again. True it isn't a house, it's an apartment, but I have been homeless for 6 months now and sleeping on a sofa. A room of my own and a bed of my own sounds like heaven.
I don't care to go into the details of the whys of my current life, as it really is unimportant right now. The place I am moving to is loaded with ethnic diversity. I have seen some Africans and some Indians there as well and I expect there are Bosnian, etc. Some people might not want to live there, but I am sort of looking forward to it all as an adventure and if some of these strangers in a strange land are willing I may make myself some new friends.
I am not getting any younger and at age 62 starting my life all over again is not an easy thing to do. It seems so odd to be back to the same level in time as when I was 19. I am somewhat shaken up by it, but not discouraged. I have proven to myself, time and again that I am a survivor and adaptable. My sense of humor and strength have always gotten me through.
I am going to have that hippy crash pad that I wanted when I was young!

So I Begin

I have decided to review one major arcana card a day chosen at random. When I am done with the major arcana, I will move on to the court cards.
The first card I drew was of no surprise to me. It is the card that is the teacher for this year of my life, The Hermit.
Lately the Hermit is everywhere I go, there is no escaping the lessons to be learned. It is up to me to figure out what these lessons are.
For the sake of ease, I am using a Waite deck as most people are somewhat familiar with this deck. The Hermit is an elderly man with a long white beard and a gray cloak. He is hooded but his face remains in view. His face is at ease. He is not hiding from anyone or anything. He is perched on the top of a snow covered mountain. The background is the void. Nothing is visible beyond the light of the star filled lantern he is carrying in his hand. The other hand holds a staff to help him in his travels.
The Hermit can be looked upon as a teacher as well as a seeker. The lantern holds a star. As I see it, the star represents wishes fulfilled as in wishing upon a star. The Hermit shines the light from the top of the mountain as a beacon of fulfillment and knowledge. He shows the path for others to join him in his travels.
The Hermit is also alone and this represents the need to seek from within that which is needed for the spiritual self to grow and mature. There are no questions that the answer does not exists from within. That is our connection to the cosmos. All are one on the nonphysical planes.
That is all I have to say today about the Hermit. It is a great card of change, mastery and spirituality.
My interpretation of all tarot cards is intuitive. It is not to be found in a book, at least not in the whole. The tarot is a very personal thing. It speaks in different ways to each person, not unlike the Runes.

Moving On

Yes, I am moving on and I am feeling much better about life in general. I will soon be moving into new apartment and a new life.
I am leaving behind the things that made my life grow stale and bringing forth the things of growth.
Today I bought a large wall hanging for the apartment. It is a cloth banner done in black with multi colors of the chakra .I always wanted a home filled with the smell of incense and the playing of exotic music in the background. I am not Hindi but have appreciation for the gods and goddesses. I have a nice collection of metal statues and other object d'arte that will make a humble apartment into a place of retreat and healing for all those that enter.
Here's to the ending of things worn out and the beginning of things wanting to grow and flourish.

Confusion Is a Sign of

Confusion is a sign of old age. At least I've been told that by those younger and less confused than I am. Sometimes I believe they are right.
It's a long story. Back in 1999 I discovered the wonderful world of computers and the haven for all geeks, the Internet. I lived slept and breathed the net. It was the love of my life and what I wanted to be when I grew up. (yes, I know I can't become the internet). I knew my computer, it was a top of the line Gateway. It was Windows 98. I felt that was the number of windows that could be open at one time but I never put that theory to the test. I stopped at around 8 or 9 I think. Not matter...where was I, oh, speaking about confusion. I was net savey and a website building fool. I could even use html fairly well.
Time changes things. To make a long story much shorter, I ended up not online for a long span of time. The computer just wasn't good enough to do the things I wanted to do and I couldn't afford another one.
Here I am years later, with a new notebook that can dance circles and sing songs and whatever else I want or so the salesman told me. Trouble is, is it Vista and I know nothing. Oh I can figure some of it out, but ohhhhh, the net has changed and I can't remember how to do a cotton pickin' thing anymore.
I simply wanted to join someones network with my blog but I can't seem to figure out how that's done though many other people seem to have done it. It leaves me feeling stupid and confused. Surely that is a sign of OLD AGE.

Where?

Where is everyone here? Where did I leave 25 years of my life? Where do I go from here? Where will it end?

Where Am I

I feel like I am lost in space....it's that hollow sound when I tap myself on the forehead, I think. I've been trying to figure out how to add this blog to my gmail account so I can blog from there. I am far too easily confused.
Maybe it's due to not being a part of the tech generation? Help!

Start At The Beginning

I don't like first blogs. I never know what to write. Do I write for myself, or for someone else? If I simply dump out the contents of my head it will make a cauldron of word soup.
I've been searching around for a blog spot where people actually blog and read each others blogs as well. I have a blog on My Space where I really do blog. No one reads it and no one replies. That goes two ways. I don't read the blogs there as many of them are just gross and dim witted. Most people are more concerned with dating and what apps they can put on their space than in having a productive and intelligent interaction with anyone else.
More power to them if that makes them happy. It doesn't me, so here I am in hopes of better days.