Alive and......

I am still alive and kicking....well....maybe not kicking. Maybe just twitching. Some days twitching is as good as it gets.
My life has such odd twists and turns. I've never been much of a social butterfly but I find I am getting more sociable. I don't know if I am willing or not, but that doesn't seem to matter. There are people in my life now that were not there before. I find that when I don't see them, I miss them. This has to mean something, does it not?
I've often been told that you don't get what you want, but you always get what you need. I'm not sold on that idea yet. I've only had a bit more than sixty years to ponder it. I wouldn't want to make any snap judgements on the subject.
I still maintain I am not fit to be any ones friend. I have grown so accustomed to being solitary that I find the company of others difficult. It leaves me tired. I have recently moved next door to a, for lack of a better word, friend of 24 years or more. She and I met at a nut bin. We were both working in the state hospital. I worked second shift and she was my relief on the third shift. Through many twists and turns, we became friends. Maybe she is my one true friend and it has taken me all these years to figure it out. I can not speak to her for a couple of years at a time, but when I run into her, it's just like we saw each other only a week ago. There is no resentment on the part of either of us for the absence. We simply pick up where we left off. I think she is a lot like I am in many ways. I think that the main difference is she likes more contact with people than I do. She is quite outgoing and sociable, at least on a superficial level. She is quite particular who her actual friends are. She does not tolerate idiots any more than I do.
When I speak of idiots, I am referring to the people that do stupid things and say stupid things that are bright enough to know better. Maybe I should refer to them as clowns or better yet, my daughters term, tool.
The last place I lived, in the penthouse, was full of clowns and tools and drunks and druggies, etc.
Where I am living now seems to just have ordinary people that aren't out to be the biggest asses on the planet. It's pretty nice here if I do say so. It is not perfect, but what is?
Now I am settling in again, I am starting to cycle through some things that I had to put aside temporarily. These are of course to do with the last 25 years or so of my life, maybe more. I am trying to set aside the abiding hatred I have for Geoff. I only wish to put it aside as it is a burden for me and it in some ways gives him power over me, or at least a piece of my head space. Even that thought causes new resentment.
I tried working these things out in therapy but it just wouldn't shake loose. I think I had too much other stuff getting in the way. I don't know where I will go from here. My life is, time wise, on the down side. I am a senior, not a middle aged person. I am not adjusting well to it either. Not that I mind being older, I don't. Mostly I keep looking at myself and saying, "why are you hanging out with people half your age?" I know the answer....most of the ones my age are old, boring and more than half dead or at least terminally dull witted. Somehow, my 30 something head space got caught up in a 62 year old body.
Who ever said that there is less confusion as you grow older? Who thinks that angst is only for teens? Who said that past 60 was the golden years? BULLSHIT is all I have to say to that.
I'm looking forward to seeing my younger set of friends in November. I missed seeing them this month.
Ah, yes, Halloween..Samhain or whatever else it's called is coming up. I'm not thinking I will be celebrating it much this year. I just don't have the energy to do it. We used to go all out with it. Decorate the whole house. Maybe sometime again...