The title comes from a poem. I just don't remember who the author is. It goes, "I want to live in a house by the side of the road and be a friend to man." This came back to me today as I was sitting in my living room and listening to people gibbering on the sidewalk outside my window.
I live smack in the middle of a small city. The main street is just one block east of me, the police station is two buildings north from me and across the street. There is a municipal parking garage directly in back of my apartment. It is filled with cars during the day and skateboarding halfwits at night. The apartment is called a townhouse....it's nice enough....maintained well and cheap to rent.
The problems with adaption are no doubt my own. It would be a happy day for me if I could just pop a laser cannon out my upstairs window and simply open fire at random. It's not that anyone is doing something terrible to me. It is simply I am sick of hearing their retarded chatter night and day. No one is having an intelligent conversation with anyone else out there, but they are having them right outside my window. I consider pungy stakes and pits, also trip wires and landmines. All these would give me satisfaction.
Issues with anger? Not me. Why would anyone think I was angry? I always used to wonder why old people were so cranky. Now I am 63 I begin to understand. Oh, I am not newly grouchy. I have always been that way. It is just that now I am starting to understand it all.
All those people are given the precious gift of life and youth and they choose to waste it standing on a sidewalk talking trash. I wished I could say I was any different when I was young, but I don't remember that I was.
So, where was I? Yes, I was living in a house by the side of the road being a friend to man, wasn't I? LOL
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Jan 1
It seems like the thing to do, making a blog entry on the first day of the new year. My mind is decidedly blank right now and to save my life, I don't think I could post anything of interest to everyone else.
I read Roving Jacks posting about what he did today....I must say, I have to wonder when he took the time to breath. All I did today was knit and play video games. All very dull.
Not too many moons ago I had my own business, making jewelry out of semi precious stones and precious metals, ie, silver and gold. I must say, some of them were quite nice. I also did some interesting wire wrapping too with silver, gold and copper wire. I simply can't afford to do that any more and most of my tools and stock were left behind when I became homeless. I miss it sometimes, Not my home, the jewelry making.
Just like in Gone With the Wind, "Tomorrow is another day"
I read Roving Jacks posting about what he did today....I must say, I have to wonder when he took the time to breath. All I did today was knit and play video games. All very dull.
Not too many moons ago I had my own business, making jewelry out of semi precious stones and precious metals, ie, silver and gold. I must say, some of them were quite nice. I also did some interesting wire wrapping too with silver, gold and copper wire. I simply can't afford to do that any more and most of my tools and stock were left behind when I became homeless. I miss it sometimes, Not my home, the jewelry making.
Just like in Gone With the Wind, "Tomorrow is another day"
Thursday, December 31, 2009
I Am Positively Negative
I am positively negative at times and the gods know I have had enough reason to be so in the last year. It was, without a doubt, the worse year of my life. It was also the beginning of a new life as well. Life can begin at 62 or any age for that matter.
I never do anything the kind and gentle way. I blast through life or I sleep through it.There isn't anything in between those two extremes for me. I think I need the blast to wake me up and propel me forward. I am inherently lazy so I need to be blasted forward. I can easily turn into a veggie.
I don't even want to speculate upon what the coming year will bring. I don't dare too. That has been a consistently iffy thing for me over the years. I have learned to look forward to nothing in the coming year. If I don't place expectations then I don't suffer disappointment as much either.
The only plans I have are to keep on keeping on with one foot in front of the other until I get there.(where ever there is)
It must mean something that I've started blogging again. I haven't done that for months. Anyone that knows me well knows that I withdraw for long spans of time and don't take it personally. Maybe that's why so few people do know me well. I think I make it too much like work.
Okay, enough said for now. Happy New Year.
I never do anything the kind and gentle way. I blast through life or I sleep through it.There isn't anything in between those two extremes for me. I think I need the blast to wake me up and propel me forward. I am inherently lazy so I need to be blasted forward. I can easily turn into a veggie.
I don't even want to speculate upon what the coming year will bring. I don't dare too. That has been a consistently iffy thing for me over the years. I have learned to look forward to nothing in the coming year. If I don't place expectations then I don't suffer disappointment as much either.
The only plans I have are to keep on keeping on with one foot in front of the other until I get there.(where ever there is)
It must mean something that I've started blogging again. I haven't done that for months. Anyone that knows me well knows that I withdraw for long spans of time and don't take it personally. Maybe that's why so few people do know me well. I think I make it too much like work.
Okay, enough said for now. Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Maybe Not Too
Recently I posted an entry that suggested that perhaps a certain person was my friend for the last 25 years and I just hadn't noticed. I've given that some reconsideration. The only time she calls is when she wants someone to entertain her or go somewhere with her. The enthusiasm wore off quickly on her part and I must say, it did on mine too. She and I have some things in common but not enough to be too enthralled with each other. I think it is mutual.
In all my reconsiderations I'll decided once again that I am not cut out to be any ones friend. Maybe I don't know what the term friend encompasses....I will leave it at we still are speaking to each other now and then and if either one of us needs something in an emergency we can rely on each other.(at least I think that is true).
I can't get over the feeling of being a broken item, something that isn't quite usable but still recognizable as the item it is. I mean, I look like a normal person most of the time but that is as far as it goes. It has always been that way too, even when I was a child. It's sad to think of all the years that have passed and I have not changed in some ways that perhaps I should have. Eh, I don't know what I am talking about.
In all my reconsiderations I'll decided once again that I am not cut out to be any ones friend. Maybe I don't know what the term friend encompasses....I will leave it at we still are speaking to each other now and then and if either one of us needs something in an emergency we can rely on each other.(at least I think that is true).
I can't get over the feeling of being a broken item, something that isn't quite usable but still recognizable as the item it is. I mean, I look like a normal person most of the time but that is as far as it goes. It has always been that way too, even when I was a child. It's sad to think of all the years that have passed and I have not changed in some ways that perhaps I should have. Eh, I don't know what I am talking about.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Alive and......
I am still alive and kicking....well....maybe not kicking. Maybe just twitching. Some days twitching is as good as it gets.
My life has such odd twists and turns. I've never been much of a social butterfly but I find I am getting more sociable. I don't know if I am willing or not, but that doesn't seem to matter. There are people in my life now that were not there before. I find that when I don't see them, I miss them. This has to mean something, does it not?
I've often been told that you don't get what you want, but you always get what you need. I'm not sold on that idea yet. I've only had a bit more than sixty years to ponder it. I wouldn't want to make any snap judgements on the subject.
I still maintain I am not fit to be any ones friend. I have grown so accustomed to being solitary that I find the company of others difficult. It leaves me tired. I have recently moved next door to a, for lack of a better word, friend of 24 years or more. She and I met at a nut bin. We were both working in the state hospital. I worked second shift and she was my relief on the third shift. Through many twists and turns, we became friends. Maybe she is my one true friend and it has taken me all these years to figure it out. I can not speak to her for a couple of years at a time, but when I run into her, it's just like we saw each other only a week ago. There is no resentment on the part of either of us for the absence. We simply pick up where we left off. I think she is a lot like I am in many ways. I think that the main difference is she likes more contact with people than I do. She is quite outgoing and sociable, at least on a superficial level. She is quite particular who her actual friends are. She does not tolerate idiots any more than I do.
When I speak of idiots, I am referring to the people that do stupid things and say stupid things that are bright enough to know better. Maybe I should refer to them as clowns or better yet, my daughters term, tool.
The last place I lived, in the penthouse, was full of clowns and tools and drunks and druggies, etc.
Where I am living now seems to just have ordinary people that aren't out to be the biggest asses on the planet. It's pretty nice here if I do say so. It is not perfect, but what is?
Now I am settling in again, I am starting to cycle through some things that I had to put aside temporarily. These are of course to do with the last 25 years or so of my life, maybe more. I am trying to set aside the abiding hatred I have for Geoff. I only wish to put it aside as it is a burden for me and it in some ways gives him power over me, or at least a piece of my head space. Even that thought causes new resentment.
I tried working these things out in therapy but it just wouldn't shake loose. I think I had too much other stuff getting in the way. I don't know where I will go from here. My life is, time wise, on the down side. I am a senior, not a middle aged person. I am not adjusting well to it either. Not that I mind being older, I don't. Mostly I keep looking at myself and saying, "why are you hanging out with people half your age?" I know the answer....most of the ones my age are old, boring and more than half dead or at least terminally dull witted. Somehow, my 30 something head space got caught up in a 62 year old body.
Who ever said that there is less confusion as you grow older? Who thinks that angst is only for teens? Who said that past 60 was the golden years? BULLSHIT is all I have to say to that.
I'm looking forward to seeing my younger set of friends in November. I missed seeing them this month.
Ah, yes, Halloween..Samhain or whatever else it's called is coming up. I'm not thinking I will be celebrating it much this year. I just don't have the energy to do it. We used to go all out with it. Decorate the whole house. Maybe sometime again...
My life has such odd twists and turns. I've never been much of a social butterfly but I find I am getting more sociable. I don't know if I am willing or not, but that doesn't seem to matter. There are people in my life now that were not there before. I find that when I don't see them, I miss them. This has to mean something, does it not?
I've often been told that you don't get what you want, but you always get what you need. I'm not sold on that idea yet. I've only had a bit more than sixty years to ponder it. I wouldn't want to make any snap judgements on the subject.
I still maintain I am not fit to be any ones friend. I have grown so accustomed to being solitary that I find the company of others difficult. It leaves me tired. I have recently moved next door to a, for lack of a better word, friend of 24 years or more. She and I met at a nut bin. We were both working in the state hospital. I worked second shift and she was my relief on the third shift. Through many twists and turns, we became friends. Maybe she is my one true friend and it has taken me all these years to figure it out. I can not speak to her for a couple of years at a time, but when I run into her, it's just like we saw each other only a week ago. There is no resentment on the part of either of us for the absence. We simply pick up where we left off. I think she is a lot like I am in many ways. I think that the main difference is she likes more contact with people than I do. She is quite outgoing and sociable, at least on a superficial level. She is quite particular who her actual friends are. She does not tolerate idiots any more than I do.
When I speak of idiots, I am referring to the people that do stupid things and say stupid things that are bright enough to know better. Maybe I should refer to them as clowns or better yet, my daughters term, tool.
The last place I lived, in the penthouse, was full of clowns and tools and drunks and druggies, etc.
Where I am living now seems to just have ordinary people that aren't out to be the biggest asses on the planet. It's pretty nice here if I do say so. It is not perfect, but what is?
Now I am settling in again, I am starting to cycle through some things that I had to put aside temporarily. These are of course to do with the last 25 years or so of my life, maybe more. I am trying to set aside the abiding hatred I have for Geoff. I only wish to put it aside as it is a burden for me and it in some ways gives him power over me, or at least a piece of my head space. Even that thought causes new resentment.
I tried working these things out in therapy but it just wouldn't shake loose. I think I had too much other stuff getting in the way. I don't know where I will go from here. My life is, time wise, on the down side. I am a senior, not a middle aged person. I am not adjusting well to it either. Not that I mind being older, I don't. Mostly I keep looking at myself and saying, "why are you hanging out with people half your age?" I know the answer....most of the ones my age are old, boring and more than half dead or at least terminally dull witted. Somehow, my 30 something head space got caught up in a 62 year old body.
Who ever said that there is less confusion as you grow older? Who thinks that angst is only for teens? Who said that past 60 was the golden years? BULLSHIT is all I have to say to that.
I'm looking forward to seeing my younger set of friends in November. I missed seeing them this month.
Ah, yes, Halloween..Samhain or whatever else it's called is coming up. I'm not thinking I will be celebrating it much this year. I just don't have the energy to do it. We used to go all out with it. Decorate the whole house. Maybe sometime again...
Monday, September 28, 2009
Been a Long Time Gone
Being gone applies to more than one aspect of my life. There are a lot of ways to be gone and I think I have been most of them.
I lost a large chunk of myself during a 25 year span. It was subtle. I didn't notice myself becoming the hole in the doughnut, but it happened. I gave up my whole life for another human being. Hindsight has proven to me that that is a terrible mistake.
I have once again moved on in a better direction. I have moved out of my fabulous penthouse (third floor walk up in the ghetto). I now live in a townhouse directly in the middle of the city that I chose to make my home more than 30 years ago. Life is going full circle for me and I now see opportunities forming before me.
Life is not easily regained at age 62 but I am trying to fly again.
I lost a large chunk of myself during a 25 year span. It was subtle. I didn't notice myself becoming the hole in the doughnut, but it happened. I gave up my whole life for another human being. Hindsight has proven to me that that is a terrible mistake.
I have once again moved on in a better direction. I have moved out of my fabulous penthouse (third floor walk up in the ghetto). I now live in a townhouse directly in the middle of the city that I chose to make my home more than 30 years ago. Life is going full circle for me and I now see opportunities forming before me.
Life is not easily regained at age 62 but I am trying to fly again.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Different Day......
It's been quite awhile since I posted. My habit is to not talk when I don't have anything to say. Strange this!
Now I am no longer in survival mode, I find that I want to survive more than ever. How does that work anyway?
My life has gotten costly...because I retired onto SS my SSI was cancelled and so was my Medicaid. My rent and utilities cost me more than 50 Percent of my income. Now I no longer have the medical insurance, I can't afford the specialists I was seeing....I don't see that as a bad thing actually. Each doctor seemed to find something that they couldn't deal with and find yet another specialist to send me too. All that stops very fast when the insurance and cash is gone.
It is my fervent hope that our president will keep on his path to health care reform. I can testify first hand about the flaws we now labor under.
Not much else has changed. I still live in the walk up penthouse apartment in Gods little acre. I have new neighbors across the hall from me. I think they are exercise enthusiasts as they run up and down three flights of stairs 4 or 6 times a day. I get a nose bleed just thinking about that.
The other night, I was just settling down for some sleep around 10:30 or so and some of the first floor folkin arrive home. They appear to be drunk and they are yelling and screaming at each other. This is a mother and daughter that each have their own apartments side by side. I open the window and say loud enough to be heard over the din. "You don't have to yell down there. I'm trying to get to sleep up here." The reply was, "I do to have to yell, this is family business. Mind you own business". Nice huh? "It is my business. I pay rent to live here too. If you don't stop yelling, I will call the police." There was a bunch of cussing, etc from the chick with the big mouth. She said I should go ahead and call the police but I noticed that the fight stopped. The mother went to bed. What part of family business dictates yelling your ass off in a parking lot? I must not understand the difference between public and private I guess.
I would like to say it was peaceful after that, but a bunch of people were still outside in the parking lot and by this time, a stray dog had arrived and was barking it's ass off at them. They were trying to catch it. Someone called the police to come get the dog. By the time all was said and done, it was midnight and the police were making more noise than my neighbors...Who do you call when the police need to quiet down? The officers were young and proceeded to flirt with the most unattractive women around. Just gross.
There may be a ray of hope or not. We have been interviewed for an apartment in a much nicer location, subsidized so life won't be quite so harsh. Even better, if we get the apartment it is right across from the police. Ummm, there must be some there over 20 years old that do their jobs appropriately.
Now I play the waiting game to find out about the move. If it happens it does and if it doesn't, sooner or later something will break my way.
I am starting to wonder if there are any other people over 60 that are still alive and enjoying life. All I've seen are ready for the bone yard. I have my health issues but I am not ready to belly up yet.
I haven't had any friends for many years. I don't want to discuss the reasons here. The main reason is no longer in my life and that is good enough. Anyway, I was thinking about friends and having friends and I came to the conclusion that I am not fit to have friends. I know that sounds a bit harsh or like I am putting myself down, but that isn't it. First, very few people my age have interests similar to mine. I am a bit odd and so are the things that interest my. Secondly, I do not have the desire to take care of yet another person in my life. I spent my entire working career taking care of others. I do not wish to spend my senior days babysitting as well. So, you see, it is much a matter of my attitude that keeps me unfit for friends. I am unwilling to put out the effort. If anyone knows of a way to have hassle free friendships, please write a book and send me a copy.
I really have no clue what I have written here today. I'll reread it sometime and maybe get some inspiration for another post.
Now I am no longer in survival mode, I find that I want to survive more than ever. How does that work anyway?
My life has gotten costly...because I retired onto SS my SSI was cancelled and so was my Medicaid. My rent and utilities cost me more than 50 Percent of my income. Now I no longer have the medical insurance, I can't afford the specialists I was seeing....I don't see that as a bad thing actually. Each doctor seemed to find something that they couldn't deal with and find yet another specialist to send me too. All that stops very fast when the insurance and cash is gone.
It is my fervent hope that our president will keep on his path to health care reform. I can testify first hand about the flaws we now labor under.
Not much else has changed. I still live in the walk up penthouse apartment in Gods little acre. I have new neighbors across the hall from me. I think they are exercise enthusiasts as they run up and down three flights of stairs 4 or 6 times a day. I get a nose bleed just thinking about that.
The other night, I was just settling down for some sleep around 10:30 or so and some of the first floor folkin arrive home. They appear to be drunk and they are yelling and screaming at each other. This is a mother and daughter that each have their own apartments side by side. I open the window and say loud enough to be heard over the din. "You don't have to yell down there. I'm trying to get to sleep up here." The reply was, "I do to have to yell, this is family business. Mind you own business". Nice huh? "It is my business. I pay rent to live here too. If you don't stop yelling, I will call the police." There was a bunch of cussing, etc from the chick with the big mouth. She said I should go ahead and call the police but I noticed that the fight stopped. The mother went to bed. What part of family business dictates yelling your ass off in a parking lot? I must not understand the difference between public and private I guess.
I would like to say it was peaceful after that, but a bunch of people were still outside in the parking lot and by this time, a stray dog had arrived and was barking it's ass off at them. They were trying to catch it. Someone called the police to come get the dog. By the time all was said and done, it was midnight and the police were making more noise than my neighbors...Who do you call when the police need to quiet down? The officers were young and proceeded to flirt with the most unattractive women around. Just gross.
There may be a ray of hope or not. We have been interviewed for an apartment in a much nicer location, subsidized so life won't be quite so harsh. Even better, if we get the apartment it is right across from the police. Ummm, there must be some there over 20 years old that do their jobs appropriately.
Now I play the waiting game to find out about the move. If it happens it does and if it doesn't, sooner or later something will break my way.
I am starting to wonder if there are any other people over 60 that are still alive and enjoying life. All I've seen are ready for the bone yard. I have my health issues but I am not ready to belly up yet.
I haven't had any friends for many years. I don't want to discuss the reasons here. The main reason is no longer in my life and that is good enough. Anyway, I was thinking about friends and having friends and I came to the conclusion that I am not fit to have friends. I know that sounds a bit harsh or like I am putting myself down, but that isn't it. First, very few people my age have interests similar to mine. I am a bit odd and so are the things that interest my. Secondly, I do not have the desire to take care of yet another person in my life. I spent my entire working career taking care of others. I do not wish to spend my senior days babysitting as well. So, you see, it is much a matter of my attitude that keeps me unfit for friends. I am unwilling to put out the effort. If anyone knows of a way to have hassle free friendships, please write a book and send me a copy.
I really have no clue what I have written here today. I'll reread it sometime and maybe get some inspiration for another post.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
